MY TESTIMONY
I was supposedly raised in a Christian home, by that I mean, if
you call hypocrites christians. As a child I knew no better, and was made to go to church when the doors opened. It was the only safe place that I ever went as a child with any regularity, except to visit with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. My father was a very layed back seemingly kind man who had a big dark secret that he kept to himself all of his life. My mother made no secret of how abusive she could be, verbally, emotionally and physically. So in my mind I thought that was how christians lived, although I often wondered why we were different from other families. I am next to the baby in a family of seven siblings, and my sister being the very oldest(eleven years my senior) has turned out to be my closest and dearest family member, besides my immediate family that I have now.
I went through 13 years of school, a very shy, withdrawn and anxious child. By the time I graduated from school, I had already made plans to run away and marry a boy that I knew through church and also school. I believe I left home more out of necessity than love. All of my siblings left home as soon as they could, either by getting married, or moving away to work, or going into the military. This is very hard for me to talk about, it seems so long ago now. I have spent my entire adult life in therapy and on medications for PTSD, chronic depression, anxiety panic disorder, and now along with that, I have diabetes, and Fibromylagia which has a whole long list of syndrones attached to it.
I went through two failed marriages, suicide attempts, hospital stays and lots of money paying for treatment, and finally on disability in l991. I would attend church because I thought it was the right and accepted thing to do......that would last for a while, and then I would do everything sinful you can imagine for periods of years. At age 51, I had been divorced twice and I had been agoraphobic for a little over 2 years, and never left my home but to go see my doctors. I would not even venture outside in my yard for a walk or retreive my mail. I was a prisoner in my own home and body........and in my mind. I had run from God, and there were times that HE would make HIMSELF so evident in my life, as HE looked after me as a child, and kept me from death, when that was what I had chosen for myself. He was always there, all the time, everytime, even though I would turn away, He never did.
So here I am at 51, tired, sick, and scared of running. I was invited to attend a gospel concert at my brother's church, and music has always been my passion, so I went. The most beautiful voices blended together by four annointed, spirit filled women, that I had ever heard in my entire life. It was what I thought a taste of Heaven must be. I was under so much conviction that I could not sit still, and I cried with every song that was sung. After the service, I made a point to go thank them for such a blessing and to never stop singing, because that is what God wanted them to do. ......and to this day, they are still singing together, "Servant's Heart", that is what they call themselves. How wonderful they can sing. As I drove home that night, I still had this stirring feeling inside me like butterflies flitting around, and I knew exactly what it was, but I felt so unworthy, why would God forgive me for all I had done? That was what I was thinking.
By chance.........yeah, right.........It was ordained........the same church began revival that Sunday night. I did not attend the first service, but the day of the second service was the longest day of my entire life. Finally, it was time to go, I know I had changed clothes a half dozen times........and why did I think God would be checking out my outfit? The service started on time, the hymns were sung, the prayers were prayed, the offering was taken, and finally the evangelist got up to speak. I could not tell you what he spoke on, or even if it was from the old or new testaments, all I knew, was that I wanted him to give the altar call, and for everyone to start singing, I SURRENDER ALL< ALL TO THEE I GIVE>
.........and finally they did, and I don't remember my flight to the altar, but I do remember crying out, "Dear Jesus, Forgive ME", and my brother and sister-in-law kneeling behind me with their hands on my shoulder.
So there you have it, on October 5, 2000, I gave my all, every fiber of my being to Jesus and promised Him to live for Him and to stay close and follow wherever He leads me. That is what I have tried my very best to do.......will be 5 years in Oct. It took me a long time, a rough road, but not a lonely road, because He was always there, waiting for me to grasp hold of HIS hand.
So, if you are reading this, and you have been wandering, aimlessly through life like I did, follow the link at the bottom of this page, and you will find out how to make a NEW life for yourself !!
I immediately after getting home that night, called everyone I could think of to tell them my GREAT NEWS........and what great news it was. The following Sunday morning I faced the congregation of that church and joined in fellowship with them as a member and that evening service, I was baptized by submersion and came up out of that water Praising God.
He will do for you in your life what you allow Him to do, I lived a long time before I realized that. Life is too short to waste it living in sin without the Lord........God Bless you All, Love Shy |
